Sex happens when people get married. Seems pretty simple, right? Not for everyone. There are many couples who were waiting until marriage to have intercourse but when the big night comes, it still isn’t happening. For weeks, months, and for some couples, even years. And it happens more often than you may believe because, for those couples not having sex, they often find it embarrassing and don’t talk about it.

How does this happen?

Some women have a condition called vaginismus. It is a (sometimes painful) muscle contraction of the vagina that happens in response to physical contact or pressure. That means that when there is an attempt to insert a penis, finger, or something else into the vagina, the muscles tighten, and the opening is shut and shut tight. A woman with vaginismus does not consciously control the spasm. The vaginismic reflex can be compared to the response of the eye shutting when an object comes towards it.

Vaginismus can happen to women of all ages and being married has nothing to do with it. For those in a relationship, the inability to have intercourse can cause stress and for those who are single and have vaginismus, it may prevent them from seeking out romantic relationships.

For some women, their body has always been this way. That is known as primary vaginismus. For others, they used to be able to tolerate and even enjoy vaginal penetration but something likely occurred, often trauma or a serious negative experience, that affected them deeply. They are experiencing secondary vaginismus.

For women who have always had this condition, there can be a variety of causes, including sexual abuse, anxiety, domestic violence, pelvic health problems, or strict conservative moral education that lead to negative feelings being associated with sex.

It often surprises women who experience vaginismus to learn that their upbringing may have contributed to why they have this problem.

Imagine growing up in an environment where you are told that sexual intercourse is something you wait until marriage to do. Perhaps it’s a cultural belief, or a religious one. Regardless of the reason for the message, it may come delivered in tandem with the idea that sex is bad or wrong until marriage. So, for 10, 20, or however many years it is that you are unmarried, you are telling yourself (and maybe being told) that sex is bad. A message delivered over that many years can be pretty powerful. So powerful that even once some women are married, parts of their brain and body do not cooperate when it’s the right time for them to be intimate.

For women experiencing secondary vaginismus, there is usually some cause related to anxiety. It could be anxiety caused by many things, including distrust, abuse, self-consciousness, or sexual identity is often the cause.

Once someone realizes they have vaginismus. What’s next?

There are a few options for treatment. Sometimes a combination of the treatment options is best. To explore the psychological side of this issue (i.e. fear of sex, strong belief that sex is wrong), working with a licensed therapist who has special training in sexual issues is a good start. These professionals are often called sex therapists or clinical sexologists.

Exploring the physical side of vaginismus can be achieved in a few ways. Consulting with an OB/GYN is a good place to start. They can look into whether there is a medical cause for the muscle contractions. These physicians will often refer you to a pelvic floor physical therapist or sex therapist for further treatments. All of these professionals may recommend the use of dilators, a set of gradually increasing cylinder shaped tools that are inserted into the vagina. A pelvic floor physical therapist may actually assist you with the insertion. A sex therapist will discuss what you need to do and then send you on your way to do your own homework.

There is an excellent book called “Completely Overcome Vaginismus” by Mark and Lisa Carter that is a great resource as well.

With the right kind of professional help, resources, and personal support, someone experiencing this issue has good reason to be hopeful that their sex life may begin and thrive.

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