Your partner wants to start exercising, or go on a diet, or getter better sleep. Behavior change is hard, so support is critical. But it has to be the right type of support. On the assumption that as a loving person you want to help, what can you do?

The first thing is to recognize that this effort is theirs not yours. Sure, you might have successfully lost weight by running 10 miles a day and only eating asparagus but everyone is different. This is his or her attempt and they need to choose the tactics that they believe have the best chance of working for them. Contribute suggestions if asked for. And you guys, you don’t have to be Mr. Always Right

Everyone has different views of support and what they need. So don’t assume how you can help, ask how you can help. Deciding on your own that you will stop buying chocolate as a helpful aid to your partner’s weight loss might be misguided. For example, your partner might feel guilty if you have to change behaviors or annoyed that you’re trying to dictate how the change be effected, even though your intentions are good. Some people might say, “I don’t care if chocolate around, it’s everywhere else so I better get used to resisting the temptation.” Someone else might say, “Don’t bring chocolate any near me!”

So ask how can you be supportive. What can you do to help? What can you say to help? Some people might prefer that you make no comments at all, others might want to hear every idea that’s going through your head. Do you say, “you’ve been doing great on your program, this week,” when it’s appropriate? Do you say, “I see it’s been a struggle this week is there any way I can help?” when your mate is struggling? The best answer is to let your partner determine in advance what would be most supportive.

One important aspect of behavior change efforts is accountability. You need to be accountable to someone for your efforts otherwise it will be way too easy to quit. Now, whether that accountability includes your partner is a matter for discussion. It can work well when both members of a couple are trying to change behavior; there’s a reciprocal accountability. It can also work when only person is trying to change but that accountability can be confused with other aspects of the relationship. For example, if you having an argument about another issue the chances are that accountability will be affected. Partners can be used for accountability but it is also useful to get another more independent person to act in that regard, like a friend, a coach, or a trainer.

Monitoring behavior is also important for behavior change success. Awareness is essential for change so you need to keep track of what you’re actually doing. Again, if you’re both trying to change you can support each other in these monitoring efforts. And this works well particularly when the whole family is adapting to change. The behavior of all family members can be put in a place where it can be seen by everyone and can also serve as the basis of a family discussion about what has worked, what hasn’t, and why.

A regular, ideally weekly, review of behavior is also important to track progress and make corrections. A partner can be a helpful part of this, but again the change-makers need to determine the ground rules.

The best way to adapt new behavior is to be rewarded for doing the right things, rather than being punished for doing the wrong ones. How can someone reward his/her partner’s success? Well, there are many possibilities but they should all be consistent with the new behavior. So don’t reward a spouse who has kicked a sugar habit with candy, chocolate, and sodas. Perhaps a surprise date night?

There are also various environmental factors that influence behavior. You need to be around people who support rather than sabotage your behavior. So, if your spouse is really trying to change her eating habits, think twice about setting up a dinner date with friends whose eating habits are terrible. If one of you is trying to stop drinking alcohol, a St. Patrick’s Day pub crawl might need to be skipped this year.

Don’t forget that emotional support is also as important as specific behaviors. Many unhealthy excessive behaviors, like alcohol consumption or eating high carb, high sugar foods are a response to stress and emotional upset. By offering emotional support it might well be that you can minimize the stress and thus your partner’s risk of getting derailed from the program.

Helping someone changing their behavior, therefore, requires many aspects of love. It means recognizing that this is about them not you, and that you take your lead from what they believe would help them the most. Communication is critical, both in understanding your partner’s needs and your role in offering emotional support. Being mindful of environmental factors, such as toxic and supportive people, helpful rather than challenging places and events, will help you increase the chances of your partner’s success. And sharing and honoring that success will help reward their efforts even more.

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